Why don’t you step into my office? Sit down and make yourself comfortable because boy have I got a web to weave you. Today, my New York Knickerbockers traded my Latvian Unicorn to the Dallas Mavericks. I have spent much of the day trying to figure out how i’m going to spin this and let me tell you my brain birthed something beautiful.
For some background, Kristaps was my fuckin guy as far as this Knicks dumpster fire goes. ‘Staps’ was the first Knicks jersey I’ve purchased since I snagged a heater of a Metta World Peace jersey in high school. I was lucky enough to meet him at Knicks Pacers in Indiana a couple years back
For context, I’m 5’10” (very jewish of me I know). I am standing in the fourth or fifth row of bleachers in that picture and Kristaps and I are damn near the same fucking height. It was clear from the beginning that he was some sort of freak of nature, but what really endeared this 7’3″ experiment of god to myself and the rest of New York was how he was just built for this shit. How many gangly Latvian kids do you know that grew up rocking cornrows and banging G-Unit? For a kid from halfway around the world, he exemplified New York so fuckin well.
But alas, just like the Bay of Pigs, the Knicks master plan to usurp the rest of the NBA was thwarted by a damn Cuban.
Or was it?
Like I said, Kristaps was my fuckin guy on this garbage terrible no good rotten team and losing him hurts my soul. But, the more I look over the deal pretty much just looking for something to hate, the less I actually hate it. Let’s take a look at the deal why don’t we.
Yeah it’s a screenshot cuz I couldn’t figure out how to embed tweets. Fight me you pheasant fuck.
The Knicks send ‘Staps, Tim Hardaway Jr., Courtney Lee, and Trey Burke in exchange for DSJ, DeAndre Jordan on an expiring deal, Wes Matthews, and 2 first rounders. Instant reactions: Definitely big to get off THJ and Lee contracts though I would’ve loved to ship that fat terrorist fuck Enes Kanter away. Shit I would trade Enes Kanter to Turkey for a slice of white bread and Hedo Turkoglu’s autograph but I digress. We throw Trey Burke in there as a journeyman the Knicks actually managed to get some decent value out of and here is where we stand: We have 2 max slots going into this summer thanks to getting those bags off our books with Jordan and Wes Matthews both set to be free agents. We get DSJ who I believe is an actual piece even if he is nowhere near as talented as KP. And, we now have 2 additional first rounders to work with. So, as far as I see it this means we are going in one of 2 directions: we’re stocking up on assets to make a serious run at AD. While that would be tight, I think it’s rather unrealistic.
Without further ado, my official spinzone is as follows. The Knicks don’t make this move unless they are POSITIVE that one or more of Kevin Durant, Anthony Davis, Kyrie Irving, and maybe Jimmy Buckets will be available this summer. Oh and by the way, we currently have the worst record in the league and a pretty good shot at that Zion cat everyone’s buzzing about. So, step one, win the draft lottery and draft Zion #1 overall. Need some David Stern frozen envelope mojo in a BIG way. Step two, sign Kevin Durant. I am a big dummy who enjoys to have his heart broken so I convinced myself many moons ago that KD to the Knicks was a lock. Step three, KD recruits Kyrie Irving, who is rumored to be very unhappy in Boston and to want to join the Knicks (that is a rumor I am starting. Plz credit @harry__mac Woj). Step four, Knicks begin next season with a lineup of Kyrie, DSJ, KD, Zion, and let’s sayyyyyy Mitchell Robinson cuz who the fuck cares who that team has holding down the paint. Step five,
So, the question that remains is just how delusional am I?
The answer is very. This is my spin and I am sticking to it. Put it in the books, kick your feet up, and trust that maybe just one time Dolan and this god forsaken franchise will find a way to not fuck this up and make a colossal trainwreck out of it.