nfl divisional round picks: upset szn

last week was more profitable than selling whippets at an eagles tailgate, as i finished a stellar 7-2 (all on twitter son @themookiebets). within those picks contained a +500 parlay on the chargers and birds, and colts, birds, and chargers ml’s. we got cucked by seattle to ruin a +2100 parlay, but they covered the spread in some cases if you had +2.5 like me.

all in all, i’m hot. my record from the past 3 weeks is 20-3-1…..

Image result for khaleesi burning herself

hotter than daenerys targaryen motherfuckkaaaaa.

anyway, let’s stay hot and continue to make money so i can fuel my juul addiction.

college football playoff + nfl playoff teaser (take the nfl games if you didn’t hop on when i posted it on twitter). screen shot 2019-01-11 at 4.39.37 pm

this puppy pays 3.5/1. if you’re looking for another leg to replace clemson, tease the under in the chiefs/colts game. i’ll explain below.

colts vs. chiefs, saturday 4:35pm – colts +5.5, dabble colts ml, under 57

the colts are rolling. sure, they haven’t played the best opponents but they’re playing fantastic football and have more momentum than andy reid rolling down a black diamond slope. i love the chiefs. i love patrick mahomes. but, here’s the thing: the chiefs defense is a dumpster fire full of expired dildo’s. in their past 4 they let up 38 against seattle, 29 against the chargers, 24 against the ravens and thirty fucking three against the raiders. yikes, but that’s good news for us because captain andy luck and general marlon mack will be doing whatever the fuck they want against this defense.

here’s below-average-mediocre-ex-backup-qb dan orvlosky breaking down the colts defense.

thanks, dan.

hence, the colts are going to control the pace of this game with marlon mack which ultimately will cook the over. ride the under, colts +5.5 and the ml +200 and start your weekend off swimming in cash.

cowboys vs. rams, saturday 8:15pm – dallas +7, think about the ml +265 

i fucking hate both of these teams. specifically, i really hate dallas, but i also hate the rams fanbase for being faker than the girl that followed me on instagram who’s bio reads “look at me naked here”. anyway, i think the rams are going to fold under pressure. they lost to philadelphia and the bears down the stretch, and were proven to be vulnerable when opponents have proper game plans. on the other hand, and it pains me to say it, but dallas has a good team. literally, their only weakness is a below average dak prescott. if he wasn’t half-a-meatball this team would probably win the whole fucking thing, but too bad they have to play philly next week after we advance.

with gurley banged up and goff not being able to make things happen without a perfect system, i think dallas keeps this one close and maybe advances to the nfc championship. i’m not in love with this pick, but i would definitely take it out for a drink. dabble with dallas.

chargers vs. patriots, sunday 1:05pm – patriots -4, patriots ml, and maaaaaybe under 48

listen. bill belichick. tom brady. gillette stadium. near snowy conditions. this is a no fucking brainer. everyone and their mother knows if tom brady is at home in snow or snowy-ish weather, the patriots are a mortal lock. i don’t throw that term around too often, but when i do you need to hammer it like brady’s going to hammer gisele after they advance to the afc championship like they have 3 out of the last 5 seasons.

as for the chargers, they’re cooked. the pats are well rested, the chargers are banged up, and phillip rivers will not be able to throw in the frigid conditions at foxborough. ride the deathstar to the promised land.

eagles vs. saints, sunday 4:40pm – eagles +8, eagles ml +315, lean over

look, if you follow me on twitter, know who i am, or are from philly, you know where i’m leaning with this game. GO FUCKING BIRDS. and yes, i just capitalized letters in one of my blogs for the first time in about 6 months. that’s how fucking excited i am.

the odds are against the eagles. the numbers are against the eagles. the media is against the eagles.

does this sound familiar to you at all? are you getting chills down your spine? i fucking am. hungry dogs run way fucking faster than fat, well fed dogs. the eagles are hungrier than christian bale in 2004 when they stopped shooting for machinist, and we’re bigger under dogs than michael b jordan in creed 2.

this is the team of destiny, and with nick foles under center we legitimately can’t be beat. stats, numbers and data are out the window this week. eagles in a shootout.

please watch this video. i’m still rock hard from 1:30 this afternoon.

parlay for the weekend:

screen shot 2019-01-11 at 5.41.37 pm

this is the safest parlay i’ll make all weekend and it pays +770. happy gambling, team. let’s get rich.

-not, not true.

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