*EDITOR’S NOTE: this blog was written by @OwenRoeder on Twitter, who is the latest degenerate to join the ONLY church for degens, notnottrue.com. godspeed, owen. *
ahhh, another weekend filled with beer, cocaine, and cigarettes. felt good friday, felt great saturday, feel like satan’s sphincter sunday. you wake up at 1:45pm, too late to bet the early slate, but too early to check the 2H lines. you blacked out (probably), you’re scared definitely.
first thing ur gonna do is go to the gym—holy shit imagine? no seriously first thing ur gonna do is take a shower—not actually, i’m sorry i’m done. just bet slightly more money than u have to ur name until the SNF game is either over or pretty much over. that’s all i got for that, but then: serenity.
first, find a group of friends with a similar amount of demons. second, scrap together as much leftover alcohol from the weekend as you can, hint: target your buddy who drinks way less then he likes to lead on, he’ll have a few under his bed.
third, order uber eats. a bunch of it. depending on your balance for the week this can range anywhere from a mcchicken or two to several appetizers from the local pub. finally, hop on netflix, hulu, hbo go, etc. and find a decent rom-com. make sure it ends with everyone smiling as the final credits roll. so yea, do all that and you should deal with your scaries just fine.
P.S. initially i had “how to conquer them” but you can’t conquer them. u just postpone them until monday, but it’s ok because you’re a little busier on mondays with classes so it hurts a little less.