An Obituary For My Happiness

Today marks a seminal moment in my life.  I graduated from Indiana University a couple weeks ago and officially started my job for the foreseeable future today.  I work at a small law firm and have for a few years but now I’m coming on full time and for at least the next year.  As I laid awake in bed at some ungodly hour last night thinking about the impending monotony and misery I will face in the cube for the duration of this next chapter of my life, I actually was kinda happy.  I could be one of my miserable friends sitting at home, dick in hand, waiting on some opportunity that probably will present itself through some Jew friend of the family who works in finance.  So I spent most of last night and this morning convincing myself that this is gonna be good fun, I’m gonna be happy, and i’m gonna enjoy this next chapter.

Then I got to work.

Within 10 minutes, the Indian (Polynesian? Somalian? She’s from somewhere brown that isn’t India.) Accountant was complaining about how her kid diarrhea’d all over his bed that past weekend. We’ll call her Saltine going forward because everytime I hear someone mumble her long ethnic name with far too many syllables in it all I can hear is Saltine in the beginning.  So, Saltine is bitching up a storm about her kid and his shit filled bed.  At the same time,  the older gentleman who runs some sort of non profit we share an office with is on the phone in his office yelling at someone about Polio vaccines for Injuns (the native kind not the Saltine kind) with his office door open because he apparently doesn’t believe in privacy.  And no, I don’t give a shit about his privacy, I care about my privacy.  I don’t want to hear your shitty conversations guy! You pay rent for that fucking office! Just close the fucking door before I come in there and strangle you with the telephone cord.

So, after being reminded what a shit environment I will be spending my weekdays from 10-6 in, the old dinosaur Jew who owns the other law firm walked in.  Now i’ll be honest here, Dino Jew (DJ for short) really amuses me.  He’s like 80 something years old, can barely walk, is richer than buttercream in the deep south, has SUPER problematic views about everything, yet still comes into work everyday just to get some takes off.  He legit didn’t even flinch when he saw me, just gave me the kinda unassuming “oh this guys here again” look and went on with his day which includes napping in his office and snoring loud enough for the entire rest of the office to know he is napping.  Alpha moves only outta DJ (I might do a recurring blog that’s just highlights of DJ’s week, we’ll see how it shakes out)jewzilla_by_km10000000-dajsmer.png

So as I sit here in this cube in downtown Manhattan eating an incredibly overpriced sandwich from some shitty food chain thinking about how I would give my left testicle (that’s the good one, the other has this weird lump my girlfriend keeps telling me I should get checked out) to be back in college fucking around with my friends I will leave you with this; If you’re in college, enjoy that shit.  Savor the fuck out of every last minute because before you know it you’re gonna blink, open your eyes, and be sitting in a 2 by 2 cubicle thinking about how many different ways you could end your own life with just the tools around you (17 if you were wondering).  If you’re searching for a job now, don’t fuckin settle.  Find some shit that’s gonna make you happy and that you’re legitimately gonna enjoy, or better yet, start your own thing.  You got ideas right? Well get up off your ass and make something happen because the cube monkey life is no way to live.  There’s also a third option; you can always kill yourself but remember you get to play that card one time and one time only so I think I’m gonna try to save that one for a rainy day or to get out of soul crushing gambling debt or something like that.


P.S You start to wean me off football and this is what happens, you get slightly depressing stories with a whole lot of suicide talk and my inner bitter angry asshole really shines through.

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