ayooooo mooks. football season is in full swing and i’m happier than a jenner eating a bowl of milk and cereal. crazy, right? anyway, i’ve been floating around .500 this season and it fucking blows, but avatar wasn’t filmed in 1 year. james cameron took his time and grinded that thing out for 10 years until it was perfect. so just think of me as a faster james cameron.
if you rode with me last night we got cucked on the jets +3. the browns literally looked like shit due to their jersey’s and play, and if tyrod taylor wasn’t that atrocious in the first quarter they wouldn’t have put in baker and the jets would’ve won straight up. what. ever. at least now i can tell my kids that i saw baker mayfield’s first nfl start but it lost me a week’s worth of chipotle.
the past is the past. the best qb’s in the game have a short memory, and myn is shorter than kim jong un’s cock. let’s ride.
week 3 best bets:
cinci vs carolina – cinci +3
for the 3rd week in a row i’ll be riding the red rocket to win me some money. yes, joe mixon is out but the bengals have looked very solid so far this year. i’ll take daytime andy to cover a +3 spread against a mediocre panthers team all season long.
bears vs cardinals – bears -5
this is simple math. sam bradford is still the qb in arizona which means arizona is no longer arizona. it is now known as the fade capital of the united states. i also think the bears are an all around decent team with a terrifying defense. khalil mack might actually break sam bradford in half. ride chicago.
denver vs baltimore – denver -5
look, i hate case keenum but i love free money, and this is absolutely free. fade joe flacco at all costs. the ravens are a dumpster fire full of garbage that was once decent.
pats vs. lions – pats -6.5
yes, the pats botched last week but they are notorious for losing early season games, then everybody throws “hot” takes around saying the pats aren’t “the same” this year. it’s bull shit. as long as brady and belichek are together the pats are the pats. this might be the most disrespectful line of all time. it’s a huge fuck you from vegas. ride the pats tomorrow like hipsters ride bernie sanders.
saints vs. falcons – saints +3 and ML
the saints have been out of sorts but i think they put it together this week. the falcons are mediocre at best and i think brees beats ryan in a shoot out. take brees spread and ml.
chiefs vs. 49ers – chiefs -6.5
i am low key a chiefs fan at this point. i love betting on them and watching them. they’re just a fun team that is absolutely electric to watch. and to top it off, they’re fucking good at football. ride mahommes and thicc boi andy reid to take a shit on jimmy g and the niners.
green bay vs. washington – packers -2
here’s the deal. the packers are a top team in the nfc. they just barely lost a dog fight with the vikings last week, and i think we all remember week 1 when rodgers absolutely took over the game against chicago. on the other side, the redskins will not be competing in the top of the nfc, and i think they’re shittier than a burrito bowl from qdoba. chipotle gang forever. roll pack roll.
pitt vs. tampa bay – pitt -1
sure, the bucs look sick this year and just took down the reigning super bowl champs with ryan fitzpatrick, but they’re going to come back to earth. currently, the bucs are higher than josh gordon on 420, but they’re about to come crashing down like a crackhead in philly that can’t buy a fix. i still have faith in pittsburgh. it’s been a shit show so far this season, but they’re going to put it together eventually. i fully expect pitt to come out strong monday night.
the all day parlay
this is a spread parlay with at least one game at each time slot during nfl action. it’s comprised of my favorite bets this week.
denver +5.5, cinci +3, bears -4.5, pats -6.5, and pitt -1.
well boys, it’s time to sack up or lose your sack. this is the week we get hot. i can see it like i see a juul fiend approaching me from at least 20 yards away. it’s a natural talent and a 6th sense. a real gift. anyway, let’s fucking ride boys. the best day of the week isn’t far away.
-not, not true.