My Full Proof Plan To Still Go To Frat Parties, Even Though I graduated

If you ever take one piece of advice from a comedy writer, let it be this; don’t graduate college. There is nothing to live for after college except paying student loans while you reminisce about the good old days. Luckily for me, I found a way for my golden days to be a little more than just a memory. Use this golden excuse, and you too can live like you’re a fifth, sixth, fuck it maybe even seventh, year.

Even thought I graduate not one, but two years ago, I still live pretty close to my alma mater, close enough that I can make more than the occasional guest appearance. But here’s the catch: I like showing up to more than alumni weekend and homecoming. Is my old fraternity having a mixer? Well if I don’t have any other plans might as well make guest appearance and live up to my reputation as my old chapters resident Dad and Van Wilder wanna be.

For the most part, my old fraternity didn’t mind having us alumni around. We don’t like the 24/7 college lifestyle anymore, so it’s not like they’re seeing us everyday anyway. And if anyone has a problem with it, I bring up my very generous contribution to the national charity I made last year. You’re welcome for that $10, Chad.

After the first few times I did this, probably fifth to be exact, people started to catch on. The climax came when I ran into a chick I had a failed one night stand with at one of our opens. She looks me dead in the eyes and asks “didn’t you fucking graduate?”

How do I respond? Do I begrudgingly admit that I’ve already made the long walk across the stage to get a diploma, thus outing me to the group of freshman girls I had just convinced I was a junior? Nope, instead I came up with the perfect excuse. “Yeah, I just stopped by. I’m on the way to someone’s 21st birthday at <insert close bar here>.”

It was a completely fabricated lie, but I didn’t realize my brilliance in the moment, but brilliance it was. It is completely plausible, and acceptable, that it was someone’s 21st and it’s perfectly socially acceptable I be in attendance for it. If I’m in the area, and waiting for the clock to strike 12:00 midnight, maybe I wanted to take an innocent trip to the fraternity house to make a guest appearance while I’m in the area? Can’t argue with that.

The obvious, and so far only downside, to thus excuse is they catch on. After midnight, they expect you to have actually moved on to that imaginary friends 21st birthday celebration, so don’t look surprised when they find you passed on in the depth of the fraternity house in a pool of Natty Light as the party winds down at the crack of dawn.

Is this excuse perfect? No. Is it versatile? Yes. Will I be using it often this syllabus week? Absol-fucking-lutely.

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