i’m fully back at college and it’s not going well

it’s that time of the year, again. the time where young college students return to campuses across the country to major in undecided, drink copious amounts of alcohol, and waste thousands of dollars on formal education.  it’s a load of bullshit.

listen, i love college. it’s fun, and overall i’m excited to be back. but frankly, i’m not off to a hot start.

first off, i will not have cable or wifi in my apartment until next fucking sunday. comcast can suck my schlong because they fucked up big time, and then threw in an extra fuck you by leaving me without cable or wifi for an entire fucking week. what am i supposed to do? read a book? sit in a dark room? not play play fortnite until 4am? fuck man. leaving someone without cable or wifi during that large of a span should be punishable by death.

to build off that, my brand new gigantic apartment has fucking twin sized beds. that’s like sleeping on a bed the size of jim jong un’s micro dick. i didn’t pass out last night until 4am, and am currently running off 4 hours of sleep and an iced coffee. imagine trying to bang a girl in that thing? no, not happening. i’m pulling a peyton manning “omaha” and bringing a bed to my apartment. the twin isn’t going to cut it.

lastly, today was my first day of class. did i mention i went to a brazilian steakhouse last night and housed about a full cow’s worth of meat? well, i did, and i downed an iced coffee this morning.

it’s safe to say it feels like there is a drumline practicing in my stomach right now and i’ve been holding in a fart for about 45 minutes.

rough fucking start boys.

-not, not true.

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