This Plastic Straw Ban Is Fake News

The year is 2018: Donny Trump is president, the Philadelphia Eagles are (regrettably) Super Bowl champs, and LeBron James has taken his talents to the Los Angeles Lakers like so many NBA dickriders before him. What else is going on in 2018? Apparently, this is the year that everyone decided plastic straws are bad.

I’ve used plastic straws all my life, fuck I even know people who drink beer through a straw. Straws are the staples of beverage capitalism. Now all of a sudden, these straws that so many of us and so many generations before us have used are public enemy number one.

Almost overnight, plastic straws have become the scapegoat for environmental pollution. People are acting like straws are the only thing standing between us and being in a polluted wasteland. Liberals think drinking their latte out of a soppy cup instead of a straw makes them fucking Captain Planet or some shit. It’s like the straws have in the immortal words of Spongebob, burned our crops, poisoned our water supply, and fucked our girlfriends just to rub it in.

Drinking straws are an American tradition, like the Declaration of Independence or Paula Deen. Even George Washington used straws, but instead of plastic they were probably made from tree bark or whatever his dentures were made out. Legend has it when Lincoln gave his Gettysburg address, he did so right after drinking a Dunkin Donuts iced coffee through a long, orange and purple straw.

Now, our second amendment rights to use straws are being infringed upon. Everyone knows the first step to dictatorship is banning straws. Don’t tread on me! Save America as we know it! Protect the straws!

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