Did you fuckers miss me? Of course you fucking did, I don’t even know why I asked that, Well I’m back bitches here to hit you with some fresh ‘tent.
My physique always alternates betweens “offseason athlete”, you know kind of half in shape and half not in shape, and “peak dad bod”. While I’m far from peak physical condition, I still have a gym membership, but there’s one gym I’ll never go to: Planet Fitness.
Sure, on the surface Planet Fitness seems great with it’s free pizza and $10 a month cheap memberships. But under it’s false facade of fitness is a palace to gluttony and mild obesity. If you walk into Planet Fitness sporting a dad bod, you might just be the most in-shape person there.
Just when I thought I was destined to hate Planet Fitness forever, we found America’s newest folk hero. This past week, a dude was caught working out naked in a Planet Fitness and when they caught him, what was his response? “Sorry, I though this was a judgment free zone?”
First off, way to throw their catchphrase right back to them in their face. Second, working out naked in a Planet Fitness is definitely big dick energy. What is it with this liberal bullshit that we have to wear the body prisons known as clothing while we work out? Why should the copious amounts of nudity stop at the lower room? If I want to perform tricep extensions all natural, so be it.
I don’t know if this dude got arrested, but if he did he’s a political prisoner, and I’m pretty sure that’s a violation of the Geneva Convention or something. If there’s a GoFundMe link to donate to his bail, please send it so I could do my civic duty and donate to the charity of his freedom.
Naked Planet Fitness guy: not the hero we deserved, but the one we needed.