we all have fantasies. whether it’s being tied down to a bed by the kardashian clan, or having emily ratajakowski’s ass soup for breakfast, all of us have some kind of demented reality in our head.
personally, i’m a big milf guy. it definitely isn’t my top fantasy, but it’s on my bucket list. and to be honest, who’s bucket list isn’t it on? pulling a milf is an all time experience, brag, and honor. if you’re the guy who pulls a certified mommy from the bar, you’re a god damn legend.
well, i may not have fully fulfilled this fantasy, but damn, i was kind of close. here’s the story.
i went to a bar in the city friday night with a few of my friends. it started out to be a quiet night, but then one of my fuck lord friends insisted on doing whiskey shots. that’s when the fun started.
as soon as i was evenly plastered off whiskey and bud light, i decided it was a great idea to ride the bull. i’m a champ, and i make champ moves, so naturally i got up on the bull and rode it for about 7-10 seconds before being whipped off of it. everyone should ride the bull at least once in their life.
anyway, after my bull ride my friend and i were approached by 2 older women. i couldn’t really tell how old they were, but at that point i was so drunk i didn’t care. basically, these women were looking to have some fun.
so, as the night went on, we were dancing and drinking with them. it was odd to be honest. they were way too interested into us post-grad/5th year college kids, but i didn’t give a fuck. i was having a good time.
at one point i noticed a ring on my girls finger, and thats when i thought to myself, “fuccccckkk.” i was dancing with a married woman. this bitch had to be old, and plus i’m not one for cucking another man.
i asked her if she was married and obviously she said yes, but also she asked me, “can i smoke your juul?” i was taken back by this question. i had been smoking it in front of her all night, but i never would’ve guessed she knew what it was or wanted to hit it. i let her. i was puzzled.
as the night dragged on and things died down we were still dancing and passing the juul back and forth. i figured i’d ask how old she was because i had nothing to lose. i wasn’t going to try and bang this married woman anyway. couldn’t stomach that.
she responded, “i’m 36” and casually walked away with her friend as the bar closed.
in that moment i was stunned and taken back. i just waisted my entire night with a 36 year old married woman that was clearly into me, but there was no shot in hell anything was going to stem from it. i couldn’t do that.
whatever, that’s fine. i was just happy to have a fun night with the boys. yet, as we were leaving i checked my pocket for my juul. as i tapped my jean pockets, a feeling of panic overcame my entire body. my juul was not in my pockets.
and if you are a juul fiend like me, this is by far the worst feeling in the world. i tried retracing my steps, but i couldn’t find it. that fucking 36 year old married woman snagged it. she was sneaky, subtly asking me to rip it, and constantly taking it from my hands, but i should’ve known better. a 36 year old doesn’t just ask for your juul and dance with you all night for no reason. no. she cucked me. and cucked me good.
a 36 year old married woman stole my juul.
obviously the next day i snagged a new one, but that’s besides the point. always keep an eye out for fiends. they are everywhere, even in the most unlikely forms. that’s why you always gotta’ keep that mothafuckin’ thang strapped.
-not, not true.