i hate mcdonald’s. it’s gross, artificial, and it makes my stomach flip upside down into a pretzel. my hatred for the golden arches has been documented on this blog before.
recently, my brick-shit-house-of-a-friend completed the 50 mcnugget challenge, and he annihilated 50 mcdonald’s nuggets in 24 minutes. think about that. that’s a fuck ton of chicken in a very short amount of time.
to be frank, i wasn’t impressed. i used to be fat. i can put back food like a hungry dog when i want to. i could easily complete that challenge.
so, idiotically, i wrote in my group chat, “i could easily do that.” after the chirp was received, i never heard the end of it. for 2 weeks i was harassed to do the nugget challenge. i was counted out. the haters said i couldn’t and wouldn’t do it. so naturally, i rose to the occasion.
on america’s birthday, nonetheless, i was cornered into this challenge. after already devouring too many beers, burgers and hot dogs, my friends picked up 100 mcnuggets. 50 for me, and 50 for my beta male competitor. it was time to defend my honor.
the odds were against me. i was already full of beer and bull shit, but a true competitor doesn’t shy away from a challenge. it was time to slam 50 nugs.
the first 20 nuggets
to be honest, i was nervous. nervous for my honor, my digestive system, but most importantly my bowels. i knew there was only one way to get through this. down them as fast as i could, and to not to think about what i was consuming. it was game time.
i dipped my first nugget in honey mustard sauce, put it back and immediately let out a groan. the first one was tough. i was basically saying to my stomach, “hey, i’m about to set off a nuclear bomb inside of you full of artificial meat and grease. get ready!”
yet, as bad as the first nugget was, i was determined. i downed the first 20 in 5 minutes flat. i was on a god damn roll and was more motivated than i’ve ever been in my whole life. like i said, i’m a competitor when it matters.
but, after i downed 20, i realized i wasn’t even halfway through. that was more demoralizing than swiping on tinder for a half hour and getting no likes.
nuggets 21-35 weren’t as bad as i thought they would be. i was cruising through the nuggets like i was fat bastard from austin powers. i was mixing in different variations of dipping sauces, and absolutely alpha’ing my opponent who had only downed about 20 while i was sitting at 35. i destroyed 35 nuggets at the 15 minute mark, and i was powering my way through this bush league challenge.
i started to hit a wall. every fucking nugget tasted exactly the same. same consistency, same taste, same shape, and same gross feeling. i was beginning to think i couldn’t do it. i was thinking i may have to give up and let the haters win. there were multiple times where i walked around the trashcan waiting to vomit, but nothing happened. i was hanging around like a girl that won’t leave your apartment in the morning.
it wasn’t until about nugget 38 when dreams and nightmares by meek mill came on. that song spanked me in the ass like my mother when she’s angry at me, and literally carried me to the 45 nugget mark. the finish line was in my sites. only 5 nugs to go.
i was beaten down and broken at this point. i was so close yet so far. the momentum had stopped, and every nugget i ate became more and more punishing on my body.
at the 19 minute mark i realized the record was in reach. i had a crowd of people forming around me like one of those worldstar videos where 2 sound cloud rappers fight for “clout”, except i was just demolishing nuggets in my friends suburban backyard on the 4th of july. it was one hell of a scene.
i thought to myself, “did lebron quit when he was down 3-1 to the warriors in the finals did jordan belfort quit after the fbi offered him immunity?” fuck no.
it was time to rally.
i went for 3 nuggets with one bite. as i ripped through the fried chicken, my stomach started shaking like a plane going through turbulence. it was hard to get down, but i did it. i was down to the final 2 nuggets at the 20 minute mark. it was do or die time. this is where legends are made, right?
so i sent it. i dipped the final two nuggets in sweet and sour sauce, closed my eyes, and chowed them down like i was about to eat big bob’s cockmeat sandwhich.
the nuggets slid down my gullet and it was over. it took me 21 minutes and 10 seconds to eat 50 nuggets from mcdonald’s. i was the new 50 nugget challenge champion. suck on that, haters.
this is where it gets gross.
immediately after i housed the last nugget, i rolled over onto a chair like an injured deer. the sounds of people congratulating me were overwhelmed by the nasuea and stomach pains i was having. i’ve never heard anything like the noises that were coming out of my body, and i was moaning louder than lisa ann when she took down mandingo’s cock. it was painful.
after i laid there for about 30 minutes, my uber had arrived. i wobbled to the car while my stomach made heinous noises and plopped myself into the backseat. i think the uber driver thought i had just been shot.
when i got home, i physically couldn’t take a shit, yet i could feel the build up in my stomach. i chose to nap it out.
2 hours later i was up. farts were consuming my room like a gas chamber, and i often had to get out of my room to avoid the smell. i felt like my body was shutting down slowly, and it very well may have been.
i’ll let you imagine the rest of my night.
today, i am feeling better, but my body is still fucked. i don’t think i’ll feel better for a few days, but that’s what comes with the territory of being the nugget champion. i’m literally sitting in class right now as my stomach makes noises that sound like a dying dog, but i’m gritty so i’m getting through it.
i haven’t eaten anything in 24 hours, and i don’t think i will for about a week. one upside to this is that i’ll never eat mcdonald’s or shitty food again. i’m going on a well needed detox from crappy food, and i’ll probably be eating salads every meal for the coming months.
i officially downed 50 nuggets. i am the fucking champ. many people would’ve turned down this grueling challenge, but not me. i rose to the occasion like michael jordan when he played with the flu.
so, fuck you mcdonald’s, i’m your daddy now.
and for all of you that thought i couldn’t do it? what else did you expect. i’m the same kid that pepper sprayed himself in the face for 7 retweets. i can do anything.
-not, not true.