For some odd reason, President Donny Trump decided to spend this past weekend in New Jersey. Granted I never know why anyone would voluntarily want to come to this miserable state, but different story for a different time.
While galavanting around the great gardens state and playing a few rounds of golf, Donny decided to crash a wedding that was going on. By interrupting this celebration of the sacred bond of holy matrimony, Donny solidified himself in history. Not as one of history’s greatest businessman, not as history’s greatest reality TV star (fuck the Kardashians) or as a president, but as the greatest wedding crasher of all time. Welcome to my ted talk.
Why is Donny Trump the greatest uninvited guest of all time? Look no further than the cinematic masterpiece that was the shining jewel of Owen Wilsons career, after the Cars trilogy of ofcourse, Wedding Crashers. In the film, theres a clearly defined set of rules that all crashers must follow. What makes Donny a great wedding crasher is not that he follows all the rules, but that he only follows some of them. And the ones he choses to follow or not follow through his own complex matrix, is what make him the greatest wedding crasher of all time.
One of the most important wedding crasher rules: “never use your own name.” You’re not supposed to let people know who you are, or why you’re there. Donny Trump walks in though with a healthy dose of “fuck that”. He’ll walk right in the middle of the bride and groom’s first dance and steal by the spotlight because he’s Donny fucking Trump. That’s one of the perks of being the president of the greatest country in the world.
That brings us to rules 6 and 7, “stand out on your one terms” and “blend in by standing out”. Of course Donny and that wizard hairdo of his is going to command the attention of any room he walks into, and every news stations gonna know it. Imagine seeing your fucking wedding on Fox News and having Sean Hannity provide commentary? For rule number 7, it’s a Trump golf course, Donny showing up unexpected and uninvited isn’t out of the question, it’s almost expected. If your wedding was anywhere else it might strike you as odd, but here it’s an added bonus.
The tenth rule, and most important, is that “invitations are for pussies”. Oh you didn’t invite Trump to your wedding? Well, he owns the goddamn building so checkmate. He’s he president; instead of an invitation, he’ll bring a posse of Secret Service agents. And when he leaves, you better say “thank you, and God Bless America!”
Donny, keep doing you, you patriotic, wedding crashing bastard.