grad party szn is in full effect and i’m in mid season form. humble brag, but i’ve been to 7 over the last month and a half, and i’ve only managed to make a fool of myself at 2 of them. or at least i think.
grad parties are great because of two things. free booze and free food. you don’t have to spend any money unless you get a gift for the graduate, which allows you to save your money for juul pods and your bookie.
so, now that i’m the cal ripken jr. of grad parties, let’s get into how to have proper grad party etiquette from a guy who walks the fine line of drunk idiot and properly buzzed.
no liquor before 8pm
this is simple. if the grad party starts in the afternoon, don’t pregame, and be prepared to pace yourself. if you start drinking liquor at 3 in the afternoon, you’re only going to make it to 8pm and won’t be able to hang late night. down some brews during the day, and pound tito’s at night. otherwise, you’ll end up in the graduates bathroom blowing chunks in front of the entire party.
don’t slide tackle the graduates sister on the dance floor
this may or may not come from personal experience. don’t try to do too much on the dance floor. if dreams and nightmares by meek mill comes on, don’t jump around like you just won the super bowl because frankly, you didn’t. the eagles did. go birds. anyway, people spill drinks on the dance floor, so be cautious when jumping up and down to a lit song. if you’re not cautious, you’ll slip on an ice cube and slide tackle the graduates sister. don’t be that guy.
don’t juul in front of the parents
this sucks but it’s a must follow in terms of etiquette. do not juul in front of parents or children. apparently, they don’t like it. i may or may not have received a few dirty looks for smoking out the basement.
don’t push people in pools who have their phone, juul, and wallet in their pockets
yep. i was a victim. i was hammered and may have antagonized a friend to the point where he just launched me into a pool. he didn’t know what was in my pockets, but needless to say i was not a happy camper after my juul broke. the phone survived but my juul, my lifeline, died in the water. i bought another within 8 hours.
be careful when you dance with moms
yeah, dancing with moms is cool and all, but not in front of your own parents; or better yet the mom’s husband. it’s okay to give the mom a little spin around, but once front grinding gets involved it gets kind of weird. weird for her when she sobers up, weird for her husband that is staring daggers at you, and weird for your parents that now think you have huge mommy and daddy issues. just avoid all together unless she’s a total milf.
don’t be the drunkest guy at the party
i’ll give it to you straight, if you’re the drunkest dude at the grad party, you got issues. there is no reason to be obliterated in front of your entire neighborhood, family, and friends. sure, get a nice buzz on and walk the line of being a drunk idiot, but don’t walk around like no ones home upstairs. everyone’s just going to think you’re a psycho. and like i said before, nobody likes the person who’s throwing up and getting fed bread and water at 9:30pm.
well, those are the most important things to remember when trying to have good grad party etiquette. if i left anything out or you want to roast me, hit me up on twitter @themookiebets
-not, not true