Yes, Central Jersey Exists And I Didn’t Need Stephen Colbert To Tell Me That

First off, please avoid the picture on the title page. I wanted to find a true picture to represent New Jersey here, but could;t find one. Apparently, tasteful portraits of former Governor Chris Christie aren’t in the WordPress library. What a shame.

As I awoke at the crack of dawn Friday morning, at 11 a.m., I check social media to see everyone I could possibly imagine sharing a link from The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. Apparently the night before, when I was doing things far away from late-night TV comedy, they decided to settle the age old debate, does Central Jersey exist.

For those not aware of the greatest controversy of our generation, the semi-great state of New Jersey has three parts, North, Central and South. For some reason, there’s a completely untrue, FAKE NEWS, urban myth that there’s only two parts: North and Central. Those people are tacky and fake and I hate them. Saying Central Jersey doesn’t exist is like saying New Mexico and actual Mexico are the same fucking thing because you’re too dumb to differentiate the two. We are real, and we all share a weird, almost ethnic sense of pride of being from the middle of the Garden State.

Part of me gets why some people thing there’s only two parts of Jersey. After all, you can pretty much draw a line down the middle of the state that become a hostile border like the DMZ of North and South Korea. This isn’t the division of North and South Jersey, though, but the division of where some of the state aligns their allegiance with New York, and the other half aligns itself with Philadelphia. This is the line where people start saying “pork roll” instead of “taylor ham”, where people root for the Phillies instead of the Yankees, and stop being New Jersey Devils fans and become Philadelphia Flyers fans (or as I like to call them , the scum of humanity).

There is an area right around this border where the reactions and allegiances are mixed, and I’ve liked my entire life here. For example, this last Super Bowl, half my block went out and riot [partied through Suburbia in celebration, while the other half wore Eli Manning jerseys in sadness (read my last post and guess which side I was on).

For the Central Jersey impaired, if it’s within a one hour driving radius of where they filmed the original Jersey Shore, it’s Central Jersey. Anything above that or below that is a different story.

So Stephen Colbert, thank you for making the right decision and properly educating the public that yes Virginia, there is a Central Jersey. Did I actually watch the clip where you discussed this? No, because I didn’t need you to tell me what I already knew.

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