I Only Care About Soccer When I Can Gamble On It

Luckily for me, my semi great home state of New Jersey finally approved sports betting. Me, being the degenerate gambler I am, wasted no time running to the racetrack to play my disposable income on whatever slate of baseball games MLB had to me offer me.

Being the natural talent I am, the local news station came over to me to interview me on my winning habits. Halfway through my interview for the news the reporter turned to me and asked “so, are you going to bet on the World Cup?” I answered “yes, of course” and that’s when everything changed for me.

Look, I’m America, I don’t give a flying fuck about soccer. American soccer fans are the hipsters of the sports fan world. I remember being in a sports bar the night America failed to qualify for the World Cup. I, of course, was watching hockey like a normal human being, but in the corner was this cluster of soccer fans wearing Landon Donovan jerseys like they were the nerdy lunch table in a high school cafeteria.

The closest I’ve ever gotten to caring about soccer was when my annoyingly stereotypical  suburban parents made me play on some indoor rec team when I was in second grade. But now, things are different. Now that I can bet, and win money on it, I’ve all of a sudden found myself, dare I say, caring about soccer.

A few months ago, I wouldn’t be caught dead watching teams like Mexico and Iceland, or even worse England, play soccer.  Now, if I even so much as have a $5 bet riding on it, I watch it like my life depends on it. You wanna see cheering? You should have seen me when Rinaldo scored a hat trick and saved my three game party bet.

As long as theres a financial gain in it for me, I’m all aboard the World Cup bandwagon. Hell, if there’s money to be made I might even start watching (and betting) on MLS. Do I dare call myself a fan? Absolutely fucking not. If all goes south, I’ll just go back to betting on baseball, football and hockey.

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