listen, i am a somewhat cultured man. i’ve tried many foods, visited a ton of places, and am decently educated. although, i did not study a semester abroad, so i’m not as cultured as most of my twat friends.
anyway, i’m a big food guy. i used to be over 200 pounds until my body decided to hit puberty and grow a bit so i could thin out, and now i’m sitting at a crisp 160-170 depending on the holiday schedule. i embrace my dad bod, which allows me to eat whatever the fuck i want with minimal regret. it’s grand.
yesterday i told my mom i was hungry and she said, “there’s quiche in the fridge.” my first thought was “what the fuck is a quiche.” i’ve always heard the word but i don’t think i’ve ever actually consumed it. it’s an intriguing thought to try a new food, so i swung open my refrigerator door and grabbed something that looked like a pie. i cut a slice out of the pie, popped that puppy in the microwave for 1 minute, and let it rip.
quiche is fucking delicious. this one had broccoli in it and i’m a huge broccoli guy. it’s like an omelet within a pie which is fucking genius. i enjoyed my slice of quiche so much that i brought the rest down to school with me. yet, later last night, i made a grave mistake.
i had a jewish mens softball game last night. impressive, i know. after absolutely dominating a baseball field full of old men with arthritis, my friends and i were hungry. for some reason which i cannot fathom because i eat fast food like twice a year, we went to mcdonald’s.
at the time it seemed amazing. nuggets, mcdoubles, and bottomless fries teased my stomach until we were done in the drive through. i got to my kitchen, and started ripping through my food. it wasn’t until about halfway through i realized i made a fatal mistake.
mcdonald’s fucking sucks. my stomach started churning 5 nuggets in, and i’m currently in class battling the same thing, except i feel 100x’s shittier. it’s as if someone implanted 4 xanax’s in my meal and i’m still xan’d the fuck out a day later. everything is slow and irritating, and this only happens when i eat from those evil golden arches.
now, i’m sitting in class fighting off the urge to sprint to the bathroom. it’s going to be a long fucking day. remember, eat quiche, not mcdonald’s.
-not, not true.