Growing up, I always counted on IHOP to be there for me whenever I desired great, pancakes goodness. That was until my world was shattered when they decided to have an identity crisis.
Just last week, they were still the International House Of Pancakes, and all was good in the world. Then they announced they were changing their name to IHOB. “What does the B stand for?”, I wondered. Does it stand for brunch? Bacon? Bill Clinton? I didn’t know, but that was just part of the mystery.
Burgers. It stands for fucking burgers. As if we didn’t have enough shitty restaurants masquerading as burger joints serving America’s favorite cuisine, we had to add the restaurant formerly known as IHOP to the list. Goddamit, didn’t anyone ever tell you the only good burgers are the ones grilled by dads wearing New Balance sneakers at family barbecues?
Let’s go through a quick recap of the chain restaurants that serve burnt rubber and pretend it’s burgers, ok. First off, there’s the OG McDonalds that’s been spending too much time on gourmet, wanna be Starbuck coffee and too little time on Big Macs the past few years. Then there’s Applebee’s, that’s only appreciated by drunk college kids going in for half-apps. If that wasn’t bad enough, there’s always Denny’s. Denny’s makes IHOP look like a five star restaurant. If Denny’s were a person, it’s be the crack addict taking a paternity test on “Maury”.
I’ll try to find some common ground with you, IHOP. I was a business major in college, and the first rule in finance is diversify your assets. IHOP I get it, you thought by making burgers your diversifying your business, but your barking up the wrong tree here bud. A pancake place trying to make burgers would be like a Midas Oil Change that decides to start selling buttered lobster, or if H&R Block started selling Edible Arrangments.
IHOP, the worst thing in the world is wasted talent, and your talent is making pancakes. Don’t let society down. Stick with what you know, and go back to what made you great. You can change your name, but you can’t change the fact I’ll still waltz in your doors at 3:00 a.m. to order a subpar omelet and some flapjacks.
IHOP is #NOTMYBURGERJOINT.