as i sit here on my futon watching sunday night baseball and ripping juul, i am not scared. on this particular sunday i do not have any scaries and that is a damn good feeling. prior sunday’s in the past, however, have been much more scary.
i know the sunday scary feeling all too well. maybe you made a fool of yourself at the bar. maybe you spent an inordinate amount of money buying girls drinks and didn’t end up getting with them. maybe you lost $500 at the casino and went to the strip club by yourself at 5AM and lost all of your dignity. either way, the feeling blows.
I have my sunday scaries cure down to a science. it’s not a guarantee to take away the scaries completely, but it works a majority of the time depending on how bad you have it.
step 1, order a pizza. I don’t care what time of the day it is, order a large fucking pie with whatever little toppings your heart desires. remember, eating your feelings is always the answer.
step 2, jerk off. pretty self explanatory.
step 3, make sure you have a fully charged juul with a full pod. whoof that shit down like an oxygen tank and cure your hangover.
step 4, comfy clothes. sweatpants are a life saver. no underwear of course, and let your balls dangle for maximum comfort. for a shirt, i prefer a basketball jersey for optimum air flow throughout the upper half of your torso.
step 5, something you can binge watch. watch a new series or something you’ve previously started, and go to town. the scaries are worse when you’re constantly thinking about them, so get your mind off the world and into an alternate reality.
step 6, hot shower before bed. wash away your sins in the shower. say 10 hail mary’s while letting the water run down your dad bod, and jesus will forgive you. make sure to scrub your balls.
step 7, ice cream in bed. get a tub of ben and jerry’s and continue to eat your feelings until you fall asleep. you may wakeup early monday morning in a puddle of ice cream, but it’ll be so worth it.
what you can count on is that life moves on. so if you’re feeling scared, follow my simple 7 step plan to combat your scaries. you may not be able fully get away from the scaries if you did something serious this past weekend like accidentally kill your girlfriend’s dog or get a dui, but if you’re like the majority of us, monday will come and life will roll on.
-not, not true.